Healthy Sexuality

Healthy sexuality is thriving marital intimacy that enriches and strengthens each individual and the relationship. It is wholesome sexual activity centered in total commitment and interpersonal skills that enable them to complement each other toward the attainment of higher satisfaction and happiness.

Sexual drive and passion are normal physiological components of healthy individuals. The attitudes and circumstances surrounding their expression characterizes whether it is healthy or unhealthy.

This page will discuss these attitudes and circumstances and what differentiates between healthy and unhealthy sexual activity. Sexual dysfunction is not covered in the scope of this article.

A relationship is essential

In solitary sexual activity, such as porn addiction and self-stimulation, or in a relationship built upon selfishness, sexual pleasure alone becomes the focus. Momentary pleasure is often quickly replaced with negative feelings, such as mistrust and resentment, or self-loathing and guilt.

The mountain experience

In a healthy marriage, the journey up the mountain is rewarding. You’re helping each other up the hill. Together you excitedly experience the thrill of the climb and share glimpses of great views along the way.

When you reach the summit, you’re not disappointed. There lies the stunningly magnificent panorama! There you linger and rejoice in the attainment together. The trip down the mountain leaves you emotionally and spiritually refreshed to tackle the demands of everyday living. Together you look forward to the next experience knowing that it, too, will uplift and enrich you. This is healthy sexuality.

In contrast, a solitary sexual experience is like climbing the mountain alone. The expectation grows along the way. At the summit the anticipation peaks. As you look out to see the view, it’s raining and you feel disappointed. What you can see is clouded over.

The descent down the hill is filled with frustration and disappointment. You slip and fall along the way and injure yourself. You admit that the trip wasn’t worth it, and you vow not to return. You’re tired of wasting time and hurting yourself. This is not healthy sexuality.

In an unhealthy relationship, if you’re the dominant partner (usually the male), you’re impatient as you journey up the mountain. You run ahead of your partner and reach the summit alone. Because you hurried so fast, the view is blurry. You can’t understand why people get so excited about the view, because for you it’s okay, but not all that great.

You’re ready to move on, so you hurriedly go down the hill, passing your partner who hasn’t made it up yet. You holler that you’ll see him or her down at the bottom. After all, you’ve got other things to do.

How about the other partner (usually the female)? The trip up the hill is a burden. You’re only going because you feel obligated. You doubt you’ll ever even make it up the hill. Your partner moves on ahead, and you feel like he doesn’t really care about you or what you think.

Before you reach the summit, your partner passes you on his or her way back. You turn around and follow behind, frustrated that you don’t even remember the last time you got to the top.

In summary, healthy sexuality involves experiences that leave you feeling renewed and energized to forge ahead. Unhealthy sexuality leaves you feeling depleted and frustrated, and often leads to depression and anxiety.

The case for traditional marriage

In its highest form, healthy sexuality will be found in the covenant of traditional marriage, where both partners are completely committed to the enrichment and happiness of each other.

I realize that for many this definition is not “politically correct” because it refers to marriage instead of some other form of consensual cohabitation. Indeed, western civilization continues to move further from the traditional mores of marriage and more liberal types of relationships.

The move away from traditional marriage is, in my view, the major reason why there is so much unhealthy sexuality. The institution of marriage brings with it a total commitment of “till death do us part” or “for time and all eternity.”

It is important to note, of course, that a simple marriage contract is not, in and of itself, a guarantee of sexual or any other form of health or happiness.

However, the pursuit of keeping marriage covenants has proven to be the determining factor in a couple’s successful quest for mutual joy and happiness, including healthy sexuality.

Some may argue that those who do not marry can have successful relationships to the extent at which they mimic the commitment of traditional marriage. Research, however, shows that there is something missing. Studies continue to provide solid evidence that married people live longer, happier, healthier, and more fulfilled lives as opposed to their unmarried peers.

The formal process of entering into marriage seems to bring with it a stronger commitment for the long run to “stay the course.” And this in spite of recent divorce patterns that, unfortunately, serve to prove that those entering marriage relationships these days are not bringing into marriage the commitment they once were. (Hence, the need to return to the greater commitment that was standard in former days.)

With this view of the importance of marriage in achieving healthy sexuality, this article refers to husbands and wives, instead of “significant others” or similar terms that denote a lesser commitment to each other. A “partner” means a spouse.

What two people bring to a relationship will determine whether it will be healthy or unhealthy. All the things which tend to keep a marriage covenant intact also lead to healthy sexuality.

Alpha Levels of Interpersonal Relationships

They are named Alpha Levels because “alpha” has to do with being first or primary or most prominent. These levels deal with the primary or most important factors in interpersonal relationships. Each level denotes an advancement in attitudes and skills.

The first level, called Alpha One, is to have a healthy view of yourself. Here you have reasonable self-esteem. You realize that although you’re not perfect, you’re okay. You see yourself as a work in progress who is moving ahead with faith and optimism.

Next is Alpha Two. You’ve arrived at Alpha Two when you have a positive view about other people. You respect others and value who they are. You appreciate their opinions and recognize their contributions.

Alpha Three is achieved when you have developed a wholesome friendship. Alpha 1 & 2 bring self-worth and care for others into a mutual commitment of friendship. You are able to trust and care for your friend and appreciate the added value this friendship brings into your life.

Alpha Four is reached when a friendship becomes marriage. The 3 previous levels have prepared you to make a total commitment to your mate. You have the tools necessary to have a successful marital relationship built upon a firm foundation of love, trust, loyalty and sacrifice.

When someone moves to Alpha 4 before they’ve mastered Alpha 1 -3, there’s trouble in River City. They are unskilled at giving or receiving love and trust. They’re unable to be loyal and sacrifice for the good of each other and for the good of the relationship.

Unless the values and skills of Alpha 1, 2 and 3 are understood and implemented, tragedy is likely. Disappointment, frustration and heartache are sure to follow.

Healthy people are always shoring up their skills and attitudes on all 4 Alpha levels. No one is perfect. Time, patience, and effort always yield greater satisfaction and happiness.

Most people readily accept as truth the idea that constant improvement increases the likelihood of success. This points to the importance of both partners being totally committed to each other in marriage.

I always counsel those who come to me preparing to marry that marriage is a not a 50-50 proposition. Nothing less than a 100-100 proposition will do. Each must be totally committed to making the relationship work.

Working toward healthy sexuality

To understand the health benefits of sex, click here. Overcoming negative contributing factors in unhealthy sexuality, such as porn addiction, sex addiction, and masturbation, is an important step in working toward healthy sex.

Click here for information about overcoming porn addiction.

Here’s great help for those struggling with a sex addiction.

Click here for information about sexual addiction recovery.

Return from Healthy Sexuality>to Home: Overcoming Porn Addiction.