Dealing with
Your Husband’s Porn Habits

Your husband’s porn habit leaves you feeling upset, frustrated and hurt. You can help him overcome his problem and give yourself the sanity you deserve. He can change, and you can find peace.

We’ll first talk about you, then about your husband. As we talk about you, don’t forget he’s coming up! We’ll talk about pornography addiction, how to overcome it, and how it affects your husband.

Porn addiction is a serious problem. It is a real addiction. It is unhealthy, morally wrong, and puts a serious wedge between marriage partners. But remember, we can help you both get through it.

When most women discover that their husband looks at pornography, they’re shocked and angry. Then the hurt settles in.

“What’s the matter with me?” “I’m not attractive enough.” “I need to lose weight.” “I thought he loved me.” “If our sexual relations were better.”“If we had sex more often.”

Maybe a hundred thoughts like these go through your head.

The truth is, NONE of them is why your husband looks at pornography. Not one of them. In most cases a husband’s porn problem started before he was married.

It’s not your fault

The first step to helping yourself and your husband’s porn habit is to understand that your husband’s porn problem is not your fault. You must recognize that.

Human tendency (and especially female tendency) is to take it personally and take the blame. But don’t!

Since his problem probably started before you were married, you obviously can’t be held responsible. And even if it started after marriage (which is unusual), it still isn’t your fault.

You are not the reason your husband looks at pornography. Sure, you’re not perfect. No one is. And maybe there are some things you can improve. Fine, work on them. But do it just because you want to become a better person.

Why he looks at pornography

Your husband’s porn viewing began with an initial exposure. It could have been by accident or through someone else that introduced him to it.

Whatever the initial exposure, he was drawn back to it. It could have been out of curiosity. One thing led to another until he was hooked. At some point he made a decision to go back. Like alcohol addiction, the first drink led to another. Some can stop, for others it’s very difficult.

Sometimes there are other circumstances that add fuel to the fire, like the stresses and strains of marriage and of life in general. But remember, his choice didn’t involve you. Again, for most men, their challenges with porn started in their youth.

The man vs. his behavior

A person is defined by his attributes, his qualities and characteristics. We’re born with certain gifts and innate strengths. Others we acquire and develop over time.

Think of your husband’s qualities. He might have a few from this list:

adaptable, resourceful, friendly, enthusiastic, ambitious, analytical, decisive, brave, caring, kind, loving, cheerful, empathetic, understanding, compassionate, considerate, cooperative, dependable, persistent, driven, flexible, focused, good listener, helpful, industrious, observant, organized, patient, affectionate, proactive, frugal, punctual, responsible, sincere, spiritual.

Some of these probably help define who your husband is. It may be hard to look for his positive characteristics, but it’s very important for both of you and your marriage.

Behaviors, on the other hand, are “observable activities.” They should not be confused with attributes. They only describe things a person does.

For example, if you were asked to describe a friend, you might say, “She’s ambitious and driven, but she’s also very empathetic and kind.”

Though behaviors may tell things about her, they do not go deep enough to adequately reveal the kind of person she really is.

For instance, look at how behaviors fail to effectively reveal a person’s true character: “She reads books, works for a living, and often goes shopping. She also watches TV on weekends and takes in a movie every once in a while.”

Though it can be difficult, seeing your husband’s porn behavior differently than how you see him is vital to helping you both to heal.

You married your husband because you love him for who he was. Even though he has a problem with pornography, he is largely the same person you married. He has many strengths and qualities that endear him to you. You can still love him for the person he is even though you abhor his behavior.

Please note: The viewing of pornography is totally unacceptable behavior. Looking at his strengths and noting his positive qualities in no way diminishes the responsibility your husband has to change his behavior.

Why he hides his problem

It’s important for you to understand why men hide their porn habits.

Most husbands hide their pornography habit because they don’t want to hurt their wives. They are ashamed and embarrassed about it. When their wives know, men frequently comment, “It hurts me to hurt her.”

When your husband tells you he loves you, accept it at face value. He probably does very deeply. The vast majority of men struggling with this problem love their wives very much.

Hiding his habit doesn’t mean he mistrusts you. Nor does it mean he thinks you couldn’t help him. His shame and humiliation have kept it from you.

Now that you know about his porn habit, you can become an ally. The pain of having this out in the open can bring both of you relief, strength and healing.

Finding inner strength and peace

Correct knowledge overcomes doubts and fears. It shores up faith and hope.

Understanding porn addiction will begin to give you strength and optimism. The fact is that many men and women are overcoming their addictions every day. The road is not easy, but it is doable.

As you become informed about the truth, you’ll learn how to help—what works and what doesn’t.

Another source of strength is for you to focus on you, not your husband. In every healthy marriage, both partners work to improve themselves. We cannot change our spouse, no matter how hard we try. The only person over whom we have control is ourselves.

Focus on activities that strengthen you as a person. Do things that make you happier and better. They will enable you to let go of anger and frustration and help you support your husband in the changes he needs to make.

As you learn and do these things, you and your husband will draw closer together, and your marriage relationship will improve. Remember don’t define your husband by his problem.

Porn Addiction

Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) describes an addiction this way: “The essence of all addiction is the addicts' experience of powerlessness over a compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable.”

Your husband’s porn viewing has probably lead to an addiction. Click here to learn more about the brain science on how this occurs.

Understanding the brain science begins the thrilling journey of finally breaking loose and becoming free. Armed with this understanding, you can then apply some new ideas and principles that will put your feet solidly on the path toward complete freedom from porn addiction.

How to help your husband

The way to help your husband’s porn addiction is centered in correct knowledge that you’ll find on this site. For example:

As mentioned above, understand the science behind pornography addiction, how it is a real chemical addiction.

Understand how changing thoughts and employing the Law of Displacement works.

Learn more about Addiction Recovery.

Learn about the process to overcome masturbation, a common companion to pornography.

Though it may be counter intuitive, don’t focus on the addiction. Focus instead on the positive aspects of building a better life including a better marriage. Feed the positive and starve the negative. It will give you both strength through recovery and healing.

Your husband’s porn addiction also needs the help of a qualified professional program. This is not something very many people succeed at by themselves.

Measuring success

The way to measure how well your husband’s porn problem is being overcome is not by the number of days of sobriety. Rather, it is defined by his ability to function properly and by his ability to deal with temptation.

Understand that there may be relapses along the way to complete recovery. If and when they happen, all is not lost. As difficult as it may be to accept, it’s often a part of recovery. It doesn’t mean he’s gone all the way back. It just means he’s stumbled again. He can regain his footing and move.

As he recovers, when moments of temptations come, he will learn to think of you and how much he loves you rather than thinking about porn and acting out. For example, when he sees an immodestly dressed woman, rather than thinking about porn, he will think of his love for you and how much you mean to him.

Your husband’s porn addiction recovery takes time and effort. Just remember, it’s worth the struggle.

A Game Plan

The key for your husband to overcome his porn addiction is to implement a game plan that will set him up to win.

Here’s a game plan that really works, a proven plan that your husband can do to end his porn addiction. He can start today on the road to recovery and freedom.



For a host of reasons, many women and men have a very skewed understanding about healthy sexuality. Click here for more information about Healthy Sexuality. As we’ve seen, the repeated viewing of pornography becomes an addiction. Engaging in other sexual behaviors intensifies it. Click here for more information about sexual addiction.

Return to Porn Addiction: The Problems with the New International Pastime.


Return from Husband’s Porn Addiction to Home: Overcoming Porn Addiction.